Tonight I wanna Cry
by NotLongatall4189
Summary: bThis was a story from one of my other accounts that I had deleted. Please read and Review. /b After twelve years of being strong and trying to move on Kristian can't take it anymore and gets lost in her grief.


**A/N: OK so I wrote this story a few years back and had it on here but on another profile. I do not nor will I ever own Harry Potter. Those rights still belong to J.K Rowling. I do take full responsibility for Kristain Black as my OC. This is a one shot. It is a little darker than what I usually write but it was written during a dark time in my life. Please review and let me know what you think.**

Alone in this house again tonight  
I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine  
There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me  
The way that it was and could have been surrounds me  
I'll never get over you walkin' away

Kristain Black was sitting up in bed old pictures surrounding her. All of them had the same, the same grey eyes, the same black hair, and the same wolfish smile. Tears ran down her cheeks as she looked over the old photos. They had been happy back then at Hogwart's. She looked up at the clock 12 am. 'The horrible day has just began' she thought as she stumbled out of bed to the kitchen to get a bottle of fire whiskey.12 years since her two best friends were murdered and her husband dragged away from their home for it. Nothing had or could stop the pain. Even after 12 years she never stopped wondering what if .What if Lily and James had never been killed? What if Sirius never killed all of those people? Where would they be now? Things had been so good before. They had just been married two weeks before. Two weeks of marital bliss, taken away just like that. Her eyes filled with tears as memories rushed into her mind's eye. She had followed Sirius even though he had told her not to. She had watched as he killed all of those people and poor Peter, but she didn't believe it. She still would never believe that her husband Sirius Black would betray his two best friends. She tried to run to him but the ministry got to him before she did. He looked right at her and there was no guilt no passion in his eyes. They weren't the eyes of the Sirius that she had known. It scared her .She had backed away a few steps before his eyes changed to the ones she had fallen in love with but before he could say anything the wizards that had him twirled and vanished. It wasn't until the next day that she got all of the "facts". At first she had believed it and she wanted to kill the man that was supposed to be her husband. It wasn't until a few years later did she start to doubt what she was told. She took a swig of the Fire whiskey.

(Chorus:)  
I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show  
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control  
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain  
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain  
From my eyes  
Tonight I wanna cry

She had fought the tears for 12 long years. She never wanted to be seen as one who was weak. She remained in control but this year she couldn't take it. It was the year the minister had come to tell her that she had better get a divorce or he would have to fire her. When she asked why all he said was it would show loyalty to the ministry. She had said she would think about it and went home. Once home like always she would say "Honey I'm home "with no answer. She had always expected him to run to the door pick her up in a passionate yet tender kiss and then twirl her around like he had always done. Tears began to fall then but it wasn't until she took off all of her cloths except a black silk slip and took out the old pictures did she feel all of the pain that had built up over the years. She had started drinking after a while. She was half way through the bottle before she finally let it all out.

Would it help if I turned a sad song on  
"All By Myself" would sure hit me hard now that you're gone  
Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters  
It's going to hurt bad before it gets better  
But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way

She walked over to the old raidio and turned it song was slow and fit the mood perfectly. She looked around in her closet and found box full of letters. She dumped them all on her bed and took out one of Sirius's old dress shirts. It still had his smell on it. She put it on and she hadn't felt more alone. She felt like she had hit rock bottom as she sat on her bed going through each love letter that they had ever sent each other. Tears escaped once again as she looked up at the clock. It was 6:30 she had to be at work by owled the minister telling him that she wouldn't be in today and went back to the letters.

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show  
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control  
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain  
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain  
From my eyes  
Tonight I wanna cry

A few hours later and she were laying on her bed half alive half dead. Dreaming about old times when she heard someone knocking at her door. She got up and walked to the door as best she could. Stopping at a mirror on her way. She looked like a mess but she didn't care. She went to the door and opened it. There standing at her door at her door was a firmliuar face .A tall man with sandy colored hair and ragged robes stood beside her with a massive black dog. She forced a smile.

"Remus?"

The man nodded and poletly asked if he could come in. She nodded and let him by the large dog followed and waged his tail. Remus could tell that she had been drinking. This was the one time every year that she had more than enough fire whiskey.

"Kristain how much have you had?"

"Just enough to let 12 years of pain out. And I still haven't finished the bottle."

At that the massive dog walked into her bedroom grabbed the bottle that was almost empty and gave it to Remus then looked over at the sink. Remus nodded to the dog and took the bottle to the kitchen and drained it down the sink.

"What the fuck Remus? Why did you do that for?"

She yelled tears still running down her cheeks.

"You have been downing bottle after bottle for years and you need to stop."

"I need to stop?! Do you wana know why I feel this way right now?! I'll tell you why. The minister, my boss told me today that if I don't divorce Sirius than I can forget about my job at the ministry. He has been hinting it since Sirius Escaped!"

The dog's ears pricked up. She looked down and saw his soft grey eyes.

"When did you get a dog?"

"He isn't mine. He is yours. A companion to help you get through."

"I don't need or want a dog."

"To bad. Dumbledor's orders."

" . I need some sleep so if you don't mind?"

She walked over to the door. She knew she was being rude but she didn't care. Remus nodded and headed towards the door but stopped and looked into her eyes.

"Please Remus just go."

Her eyes were pleading him to go so he did but before she closed the door behind him she whispered.

"I know I wasn't the only one who lost someone Remus but I feel like I lost myself when I lost Sirius and there is no way I can find myself agian. Goodbye. Take care of yourself."

She shut the door and walked back into her bedroom leaving the dog in her living room before slamming the door shut.

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show  
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control  
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain  
To hell with this pride, let it fall like rain  
From my eyes  
Tonight I wanna cry

In her room she looked back over the pictures and letters. She had a hard time believing that he was taken from her forever and now that he was out she had expected him to come looking for her to explain himself to tell her he was innocent but he never came. Instead he went after Harry at Hogwarts. Which justified the ministries claim? She got up and went to the kitchen again and opened the frige. She took another bottle of fire whiskey and began to drink it. She looked down at the dog that Remus had left. It was staring right at her.

"What are you looking at?"

She walked over and patted its head before sitting on the floor next to him. The dog started licking her tear stained cheeks.

"You are so lucky to be a dog. You don't have to feel this way about anyone or anything."

The dog whined as she started to cry again.

"How could he leave me like that? How could he leave and not explain himself? And James and dear Lily."

The dog put his head in her lap as if to comfort her.

Tears rolled down her cheeks as she took another drink. She looked into the dogs eyes and smiled.

"Where have I seen those eyes before? Those beautiful grey eyes. They remind me of Sirius. What did they call him...Pad foot?"

The dog's ears perked up making her smile.

"That what I'll call you Padfoot. Well Padfoot I need some rest."

She walked over to the door and opened it beckoning the dog to he stayed where he was. Shaking her head she picked him up and put him out into the hall .

"Take care of yourself, and if you see Sirius than tell him I've always loved him."

She shut the door before the dog had a chance to get back inside. He pawed the door for a while then is gone silent. After locking the door Kristin walked to the kitchen and took out a knife and went to her bedroom. Tears still rolling down her cheeks.

The next morning the Daily Prophet front page headline stated "BLACK FOUND DEAD."


End file.
